Steph M. is a junior from
*1/4 CUP PIG LARD (BUTTER OR MARGARINE)
*1/4 CUP DANDRUFF
(ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR)
*1 TEASPOON GROUND
TOENAILS (SALT)
*1/2 TO 1 TEASPOON COARSELY
GROUND MUSTACHE SHAVINGS (GROUND BLACK PEPPER)
*5 CUPS BABY THROW UP
(MILK)
*1 CAN (46 OUNCES) BLOOD
(V8 JUICE OR 4 CANS [11-1/2 OUNCES EACH] PICANTE V8 JUICE)
*1 CUP FRESHLY PLUCKED
EYEBALLS (FROZEN PEARL OR SMALL WHOLE ONIONS, THAWED)
IN AN OBESE CAULDRON,
MELT PIG LARD, YOU IDIOT. STIR IN THE DANDRUFF, GROUND TOENAILS AND MUSTACHE
SHAVINGS UNTIL IT TURNS TO MUSH. YOU MAY WHISK IN BABY THROW UP AT A SPEED SLOW
ENOUGH FOR YOUR MEASLY BRAIN TO HANDLE. BRING TO A BARBARIC BOIL; COOK AND WORK
YOUR FLABBY ARMS BY STIRRING FOR 1 TO 2 MINUTES OR UNTIL THICKENED LIKE YOUR
MEATY HEAD. IN ANOTHER CAULDRON, BRING THE BLOOD TO A SWAMPY BOIL. REDUCE HEAT;
DREADFULLY WHISK IN THE PASTE THAT YOU WOULD NOT DARE FEED YOUR WORST ENEMY!
ADD FRESHLY PLUCKED EYEBALLS; HEAT THROUGH ‘TIL DISGUSTINGLY BOOGERISH. THIS
WILL POISON ABOUT 10 THEATRE TYRANTS.
An Acrostic Poems:
Jovial woman
Understanding neighbor
Selfless for the orphans’ sake
Tidiest housekeeper around
Intelligent Judge
Cheerful lady
Excited about reading
Oggling eyes all over the house
Lost his temper over
Puttanesca sauce
After the Baudelaire
fortune
Fixed the play to trick
Violet into marriage